I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
