i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
