my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
