My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
