He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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