Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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