i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
