I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
