youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
