I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize