She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
