fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
