It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
