he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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