So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
