the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
