went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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