Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize