Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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