she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
