Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
