when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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