i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
