Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
