you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
