I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
