dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize