god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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