Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
