I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
