I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
