There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
