I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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