i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
