Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
