Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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