Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
