remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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