My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize