Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
