I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
