woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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