I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
