it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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