Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
