I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
