I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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