Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
