Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
