You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
