Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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