look no pants
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
