I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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