Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I have surprise drugs for everyone
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dick very happy bro
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
