I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
