I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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