I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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