You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The power of my boobs compel you
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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