I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
