I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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