Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Randomize
