Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
