you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Success! We fucked roommates!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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