Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
